I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
