she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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