Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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