I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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