to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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