Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
