There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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