I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
