Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
