I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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