Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
