I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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