Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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