I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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