Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
