just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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