I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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