So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
