he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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