I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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