I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
