why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize