I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
