Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
