Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize