I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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