Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
