I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
