Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
