Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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