everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
