OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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