Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
