don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
