My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
