i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
