happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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