the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
