It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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