OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
