i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if only i could text you this smell
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
