oh god the rape fog is back!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
