I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I deserve this hangover.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize