I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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