the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
