Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I think my vagina is haunted
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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