the condom got lost in my hair
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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