I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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