I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
