I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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