I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
