Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
