i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
