did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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