I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize