I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
