It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
