Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
