A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
