Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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