How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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