ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
