so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
