haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
