I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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