All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
