I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
